Growing in God

Before I begin this blog post officially, let me just say that I did, overall, have a nice Christmas this year. So don't thinking that I just had an awful Christmas just because of what I titled this blog post. I had fun with my family and we were able to enjoy time with each other and catch up and have fun and they made me feel loved, even though I was struggling. Ok, so now that I have that disclaimer out of the way, lets officially begin this post. My Mom loved Christmas time. It was her absolute favorite time of year. She loved decorating, baking goodies, cooking delicious foods, and most of all doing fun things together as a family. And this year, without my Mom around, my Christmas spirit and cheer just was not there. In fact, it made this Christmas season a really tough one, emotionally. First off, there was no one I knew that could decorate a house as beautifully as my Mom did for Christmas. It was our joke that she was never truly done decorating because she was always...

This year is the first Thanksgiving without my Mom. A lot of you may be thinking that I am having to work hard to find things to be thankful for this year with having lost my Mom and all. But, really, I still have a lot to be thankful for. First and foremost, above anything else, I am thankful for my Mom. I am thankful that I got to have her as my Mom for a wonderful 22 years. She was the best Mom ever! She loved me, supported me in everything, prayed for me, guided me, gave me advice, and helped me anytime I asked her. She was the most selfless, faith-filled, strong woman I knew. She let God guide her through each day just one day at a time. She cared for everyone around her and always put me and my family, and God first. She taught me so much and did so much for me. I would not be who I am today if I did not have her for my Mom, heck, technically I would not exist if I didn't have her as my Mom! I love her so much and I miss her more and more each day. There is not a moment tha...

Thinking back to being a student sitting in the seats of Holland Christian's auditorium during chapel, I remember hearing a lot of great speakers. Some were just funny, others had amazing stories that you could just never forget, and some just really hit home with the lessons they were teaching. I always really liked when past students of HC would come back to do a chapel and share things they have learned, it was always interesting to hear how far they had come in their lives. And I remember thinking to myself on occasion, "if I were to be asked to speak in chapel, what would I talk about?" At that time, I really never could think of anything that would really make people listen to me, and also I was too afraid of panicking and having a nervous breakdown. But lately, now that I am older, a little wiser, more mature, and have gone through a lot more of life, I feel have more to say. And, for some reason, lately, God has been putting a lot of things on my heart and giving ...

On September 14, 2015, I had a surgery that changed my life forever. I had my gastric sleeve surgery. It was on that day, that I began a very hard, but yet very worth while journey, that I do not regret one bit. I have come so far and have become a whole new person. I started out weighing 401 pounds, I wore size 4X shirts and size 30-32 pants. I had little energy and would get tired and winded easily. I never wanted to do anything. I couldn't fit on hardly any rides and had to worry about weight restrictions where ever I went. I couldn't sit criss-cross applesauce or cross my legs. I barely had a lap for kids to sit on and couldn't play very much with kids before I would get tired and need a break. I felt fat, ugly, disgusting, and like I wasn't worth anything and like I was nothing but a fat, useless piece of crap. I hated myself and was very depressed. Now, I am a new person. Now, I weigh 219 pounds, I wear size Large shirts, and 18 pants. I have so much more ener...

So, it has been awhile since I have updated on my life happenings for this blog of mine. Lets just say I have been quite busy and there has been a lot going on. For starters, I now work for an actual daycare, full time, instead of the part time job I had working for a before and after school program at one of the local public schools. I am absolutely LOVING my new job! There are a lot of really great people that I work with, the kids are great, and the job itself is busy, but fun, so the days go buy fairly quickly. There are some trying moments and rough days, but that happens no matter what kind of job you have, but despite the occasional rough day, I still love what I do and am very happy at my job and I feel like I am right where God wants me. Where are things at with our house? Well, it is for sale and on the market. We have had a few people come and look at it, but have not had any offers yet. Really hoping and praying we sell it soon, because I really think we all(me, my Dad,...

We make plans and God laughs. That is what my Mom used to tell me all of the time. And it really has hit me how true that is, just by looking at my own life.  Ever since I was little, I have always wanted to be a writer. I remember writing all kinds of little stories and stapling them together. My Mom saved them an always joked with me that she was going to sell them one day when I became a famous writer. As I got older I got more into writing stories in my notebooks. It was my favorite past time. And all through High School, I told everyone I wanted to go to school for Creative Writing. When I looked into college, that is the major I was aiming for. My whole plan for my future, was to become a writer. Well, lets just say God must have really been laughing hard every single time I told someone what I thought I was going to be doing for the rest of my life. Because, things definitely did not work out that way. I started college, planning on that creative writing major. I only...

Yesterday was June 10. Yesterday marked 3 months since my Mom went home to be with God. 3 months since she lost her battle with cancer. 3 months I have been living without her and doing life without her. 3 long and painful months. As I sit here in the living room alone on this Saturday night, I look across the room and see the empty rocking chair. The chair where my Mom would be sitting, playing her solitaire game while watching what ever happens to be on Ion on the TV. And her and I would have conversations about life, or about the TV show. That is what I should still be doing right now, but I am not. Nope, now I sit and stare at the empty chair, wishing for my Mom to be sitting in it. Everyone keeps telling me "it will get better" or "it will get easier". But I have yet to believe them. Every day I miss her more and more and want her back more and more. Every day I wish I could just hear her voice, see her smile, and feel her hugs. The only thing that I would ...

In these last 2 months, there has been so many changes in my life. And I have had so many ups and downs. Life has been a roller coaster. There has been so many adjustments and I swear I have been twice as busy as I was before. Learning to do life without my Mom, has been very difficult and there has been good days and bad days. First off, I have kind of taken over a lot of my Mom's roles in the house. I do all the cleaning and the laundry, I do all the grocery shopping and plan all of our meals. I prepare most of our meals, or at least have them ready to go so all my Dad has to do it heat them up. I also have been doing a lot to help my brother out and make sure he gets through this last little bit of his senior year of High School. Not to mention, I am kind of the one throwing his Open House, but at least my family is being awesome and doing a ton to help me out with it. The next big thing, has been dealing with my Dad. Now, I am not going to go into deep detail on everything ...

It is official. I never thought I would ever say this in my life, but I HATE Mothers Day! Don't get me wrong, I think it is wonderful to acknowledge all that Mother's do for their children and to show them a little extra love on a special day to say thank-you. But, it is a day that really sucks for anyone who does not have a Mother to celebrate with. For me, Mother's Day was awful and painful this year. It hurt so much seeing everyone show their Mom's love and say things like "I love her so much. She's my best friend. So thankful for her". I hurt seeing people take pictures with their Mom's on facebook and brag how great their Mom is. It hurt, because those are all things I wanted to do with my Mom so badly. I wanted to wake up and make my Mom breakfast and bring it to her bed, I wanted to bring her a bouquet of flowers, I wanted to give her a special gift with the perfect card. I wanted to give my mom a huge hug and tell her how much I love her. I w...

Let me tell you, grieving sucks. Period. I would never wish for my worst enemy to have to deal with this kind of pain. Not having my Mom around hurts so much and I miss her so much. There is not a moment that goes by where I don't think about her and wish I could have her back with me. But in the middle of all my hurt and grieving, I am having to learn a "new normal" and learn to do life without her in it. And it has been hard. When my Mom died, I immediately stepped right into her shoes. I took over and started trying to be her. I have been doing all the cleaning, the laundry, the shopping, and also keeping up with everything going on regarding my brother's school. I have felt the need to kind of take over and make sure the house stays in order and that my brother continues to succeed in school. On top of that, I still work and have other commitments and things I have to do. And, in all honesty, I have been exhausting myself trying to keep up with it all. I have co...

This last month and a half or so has been the roughest time of my entire life. I have lost my mom. She is gone. On March 10, 2016 at 1:22pm my mom went to be with God in Heaven. Never have I felt so much hurt and pain in my entire life. Let me explain how this all went down, considering the last time I posted, my mom was doing great. So an explanation is necessary. In January, my mom got blood clots in her lungs and ended up in the hospital. She was treated for the clots and then came home. Although, she was only home for 4 days, and then she started throwing up uncontrollably. She ended up back in the hospital for a bowel obstruction. They first were treating her by just making her bowels rest and draining all junk out of her system through a tube in her nose. At first she made great improvements and started getting better. And then, she started getting sick all over again, and they sent her from the small hospital she was in, to the really big hospital just 45 minutes away from us....

So, I have made some big lifestyle changes. Mostly when it comes to my diet. I eat a hundred times healthier than I ever ate before. I so much less food in general, and mostly eat only healthy foods. Or I should say mostly foods high in protein and I try to get in some fruit and vegetable every day, too. And I am so proud with how far I have come regarding my diet and the big changes I have made to it. But, there is something I do need to work on changing more in my lifestyle. And that thing, is exercise! Now, don't get me wrong, I am fairly active on a day to day basis with my job and having to chase around kids all the time. But, I need to do more than just chase around kids at work. So, I have started trying to find some exercise things I can do. The first thing I have found that I am doing, is called "Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred". I have already done 2 days of it. The first day was brutal, I barely thought I was going to make it through. But, the second day went j...

As I continue to embark on this crazy journey called life, I have spent a lot of time trying to impress others, and make others proud of me. I, practically, have been trying to do this just for the approval of others and not necessarily to really make myself proud. I have been seeking to here the words "I'm proud of you". Well, I have a reached a point where I am done trying to impress others. And I need to focus more on doing this for me, and making myself happy and proud of where I am and how I am doing. I, honestly, have just come to this conclusion just recently. I have been feeling like my family and friends have finally been feeling proud of me and like I am worth while. They have told me they are proud of me and happy for me and they can see how much happier I am. I have started to feel a sense of approval from them. But, just recently, I felt like I still was not making everyone proud of me. There are just a couple of people in my life who I have yet to hear any...