Death: It Hurts!
This last month and a half or so has been the roughest time of my entire life. I have lost my mom. She is gone. On March 10, 2016 at 1:22pm my mom went to be with God in Heaven. Never have I felt so much hurt and pain in my entire life. Let me explain how this all went down, considering the last time I posted, my mom was doing great. So an explanation is necessary.
In January, my mom got blood clots in her lungs and ended up in the hospital. She was treated for the clots and then came home. Although, she was only home for 4 days, and then she started throwing up uncontrollably. She ended up back in the hospital for a bowel obstruction. They first were treating her by just making her bowels rest and draining all junk out of her system through a tube in her nose. At first she made great improvements and started getting better. And then, she started getting sick all over again, and they sent her from the small hospital she was in, to the really big hospital just 45 minutes away from us. They continued to try to just make her bowels rest, but it was not working. Which was so frustrating for us, as we just wanted them to do surgery to fix her and make her better. After several attempts, her doctor finally got her in for surgery on March 2. She was in surgery for 4 hours. And this is where everything took a giant turn for the worst. My mom's lungs were still damaged from when she had her blood clots, and not only that, she aspirated a little bit in her lungs as well. So they ended up having to put her on a ventilator. The other bad part, her cancer was back and back really furiously. They removed 2 big tumors, and 1 foot of her bowel. But there was cancer lining her bowel, her intestines, and her liver, and also all over her abdomen. Just after surgery, she initially started to make some small improvements and even woke up a little bit and was able to squeeze my hand and she even tried to give me a hug. But then after just 2 days of some improvement, she went down hill. After just a few more days, the doctors talked to us and told us she was not improving and they were afraid that the cancer was already spreading to her lungs. We were faced with having to make a decision to "pull the plug" and let her go. But, on Thursday, March 10, my mom took the decision out of our hands. Her ventilator settings ended being set as high as they could go, and her abdomen was filling cancerous fluid, which was pushing against her diaphragm and her lungs. So, she was made completely comfortable and once all the family was there, the tube was pulled and my mom peacefully slipped away to heaven.
This last week has been so painful. My mom was my best friend, we talked about everything together and did so much together. She was my rock and the one person I could always count on. I feel like part of me is missing; like there is a hole in my heart. I so badly wish I could just sit and talk with her one more time and have her hug me and tell me she loves me one more time. My whole world has been turned completely upside down. I feel so lost and am not quite sure how it is I am supposed to do life without her. I just want her back so badly. I miss my mommy so much.
I know she is with God in heaven and is now pain-free and is no longer sick and suffering. And I know she is always with me and I will see her again, someday. But, it doesn't make it hurt any less. This is a pain like none that I have ever experienced before. I would not wish this kind of hurt and pain on anybody! I just keep praying for God to give me and family peace and comfort and for him guide us as we need to learn our "new normal". Because right now, we need God more than ever before. This time is also just so scary as there are so many unknowns we have to work through, as well.
I just hope that in all this, I can continue to make my mommy proud and continue to keep going in my health journey and in my journey to independence and becoming the woman God is calling me to be. I also hope I can continue to strengthen my faith and stay true to God. I am determined to not lose myself in all of this, but to continue to push through and be successful!
Please, all I ask is for your continued, love, support, and prayers in this difficult time! Thank-you!
In January, my mom got blood clots in her lungs and ended up in the hospital. She was treated for the clots and then came home. Although, she was only home for 4 days, and then she started throwing up uncontrollably. She ended up back in the hospital for a bowel obstruction. They first were treating her by just making her bowels rest and draining all junk out of her system through a tube in her nose. At first she made great improvements and started getting better. And then, she started getting sick all over again, and they sent her from the small hospital she was in, to the really big hospital just 45 minutes away from us. They continued to try to just make her bowels rest, but it was not working. Which was so frustrating for us, as we just wanted them to do surgery to fix her and make her better. After several attempts, her doctor finally got her in for surgery on March 2. She was in surgery for 4 hours. And this is where everything took a giant turn for the worst. My mom's lungs were still damaged from when she had her blood clots, and not only that, she aspirated a little bit in her lungs as well. So they ended up having to put her on a ventilator. The other bad part, her cancer was back and back really furiously. They removed 2 big tumors, and 1 foot of her bowel. But there was cancer lining her bowel, her intestines, and her liver, and also all over her abdomen. Just after surgery, she initially started to make some small improvements and even woke up a little bit and was able to squeeze my hand and she even tried to give me a hug. But then after just 2 days of some improvement, she went down hill. After just a few more days, the doctors talked to us and told us she was not improving and they were afraid that the cancer was already spreading to her lungs. We were faced with having to make a decision to "pull the plug" and let her go. But, on Thursday, March 10, my mom took the decision out of our hands. Her ventilator settings ended being set as high as they could go, and her abdomen was filling cancerous fluid, which was pushing against her diaphragm and her lungs. So, she was made completely comfortable and once all the family was there, the tube was pulled and my mom peacefully slipped away to heaven.
This last week has been so painful. My mom was my best friend, we talked about everything together and did so much together. She was my rock and the one person I could always count on. I feel like part of me is missing; like there is a hole in my heart. I so badly wish I could just sit and talk with her one more time and have her hug me and tell me she loves me one more time. My whole world has been turned completely upside down. I feel so lost and am not quite sure how it is I am supposed to do life without her. I just want her back so badly. I miss my mommy so much.
I know she is with God in heaven and is now pain-free and is no longer sick and suffering. And I know she is always with me and I will see her again, someday. But, it doesn't make it hurt any less. This is a pain like none that I have ever experienced before. I would not wish this kind of hurt and pain on anybody! I just keep praying for God to give me and family peace and comfort and for him guide us as we need to learn our "new normal". Because right now, we need God more than ever before. This time is also just so scary as there are so many unknowns we have to work through, as well.
I just hope that in all this, I can continue to make my mommy proud and continue to keep going in my health journey and in my journey to independence and becoming the woman God is calling me to be. I also hope I can continue to strengthen my faith and stay true to God. I am determined to not lose myself in all of this, but to continue to push through and be successful!
Please, all I ask is for your continued, love, support, and prayers in this difficult time! Thank-you!
Comments
Post a Comment