3 Months...
Yesterday was June 10. Yesterday marked 3 months since my Mom went home to be with God. 3 months since she lost her battle with cancer. 3 months I have been living without her and doing life without her. 3 long and painful months.
As I sit here in the living room alone on this Saturday night, I look across the room and see the empty rocking chair. The chair where my Mom would be sitting, playing her solitaire game while watching what ever happens to be on Ion on the TV. And her and I would have conversations about life, or about the TV show. That is what I should still be doing right now, but I am not. Nope, now I sit and stare at the empty chair, wishing for my Mom to be sitting in it.
Everyone keeps telling me "it will get better" or "it will get easier". But I have yet to believe them. Every day I miss her more and more and want her back more and more. Every day I wish I could just hear her voice, see her smile, and feel her hugs. The only thing that I would say is getting "easier" is my daily routine without her in it. I am learning and adapting and getting use to that. But that doesn't mean she still isn't on my mind and that I don't wish I could have her back. What I really would love, is to have my Mom back to be able to talk to about my day and get her motherly advice and words of wisdom. I would love to have my Mom to help de-stress me when I am overwhelmed by things going on in life. I really think the fact I don't have my Mom for those typical "Mom things", will never make things get "better" or "easier".
In these last 3 months, I have experienced several "firsts" without my Mom as well. First Easter, first Mother's Day, first Tulip Time, first Memorial Day, first Tre-J Ministries Fund Raiser. Not to mention having to experience things without my Mom, like my younger brother's Graduation and Open House. And going through the process of moving and getting rid of things, it is so tough and it makes reality sink in more and more.
There has been so much pain and hurt and suffering in these last 3 months. So many emotions and feelings have come forward. I have cried so many times, I have lost count, and even amazed I still have tears left. I definitely would not wish this kind of pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy. This is a kind of pain that no one deserves.
But, to get past the negative, I have learned things in these last 3 months. I have grown in these last 3 months and have become closer to God, and am continuing to work on being closer with God. In the middle of the initial shock and overflow of emotions when my Mom first died, there were moments where it did not seem like God was always there. But, God was always there. He has been there for me and my family through every step of this process. Just even thinking back on that awful day in the hospital room, watching my Mom breathe her last breaths. There was Christian music playing in the background. And when "I Can Only Imagine" and "In Christ Alone" seemed to be the only 2 songs ever playing that whole time we were in there, it was a sure sign God was with us all in that moment; telling us that she was okay. Telling us she was no longer hurting or suffering, and that we could only imagine the pure joy and happiness she was feeling as she was welcomed into God's kingdom. God was reminding us to not only be sad, but to be joyful that she was with Him. God filled that room with peace on that day, he gave us all peace in the middle of our deep sadness.
And somehow, I have survived these last 3 months. I feel I only have God to thank for that. God gives me the strength to get through life, one day at a time, and one step at a time. Every single day I say this to Him in prayer, "God, I don't understand why it is my Mom had to die and why she had to go be with you, but I know you do know the reasoning. I trust that you have plans for my future and my family's future. I have faith that you will continue to guide us down the right path and that you will give us strength and peace to get us through each day. Help me and my family to keep our faith and trust in you. Help us to continue to trust you to provide for us and get us through this." By saying that prayer, I have learned that I am telling God, yes I am upset my Mom is gone and I don't understand it, but yet I know you do understand it and I trust you to continue to help me through it.
God also grants peace. A peace that is like no other. When ever I am having a really bad day, opening my Bible and praying, always helps me to feel at peace and to wind down. Meditating on God, and going to Him, always helps me. Before my Mom helped me to de-stress all the time, now I turn to God. When ever those bad days happen and I turn to God, I feel as though he wraps his arms around me and just reminds me that he has everything under control, even though I can't always see it. I keep working on my trust and faith in him, so I keep trusting he has it all under control.
One thing is for sure, I have not gotten through these last 3 months on my own. God has been the one who has guided me through every step of the way. Because there is no way I could ever get through this on my own. My favorite Bible verse is Luke 18:27 "No chance at all, Jesus said, if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it." Because there is no way anyone can get through this kind of thing on their own, it is when they trust God to get them through it, that they get through it. Does that mean its easy to get through? HECK NO! I wish it made it easy. It just makes what seems impossible, possible. In God, all things are possible.
To end, life is still super hard without my Mom. Every day, I miss her. Every day, I want her back. These last 3 months have been hell. I am going to be completely blunt and honest. It still is hell. But, I am getting through it, with God's help. I look for all the blessings in each day and rejoice in the things that go good and make the day good. I strive to succeed and make my Mom proud. It is not easy, it is really difficult. But holds my hand and guides me through and gets me through it. I may look battered and beaten by time I get through the day, but as long as I made it, that is all that matters. And each day, I feel God making me a stronger and better person. I feel God molding me into the woman he wants me to be. Though I wish my Mom could be here to see it all in person and see me continue to grow and change and become the woman God is calling me to be. I am just happy to make her proud, since I know she is watching me from heaven. I know she is proud of me, because I am proud of myself.
3 months. 3 months of roller coasters. 3 months of crazy emotions and lots of tears. 3 months of growing and learning. 3 months of God shaping me into the woman he wants me to be. All I can say to anyone going through a hard time like I am going through, don't ever give up, keep pushing through, and keep trusting God and leaning on Him and going to Him in prayer. You will get through it. And soon you will have 3 months behind you, too!
As I sit here in the living room alone on this Saturday night, I look across the room and see the empty rocking chair. The chair where my Mom would be sitting, playing her solitaire game while watching what ever happens to be on Ion on the TV. And her and I would have conversations about life, or about the TV show. That is what I should still be doing right now, but I am not. Nope, now I sit and stare at the empty chair, wishing for my Mom to be sitting in it.
Everyone keeps telling me "it will get better" or "it will get easier". But I have yet to believe them. Every day I miss her more and more and want her back more and more. Every day I wish I could just hear her voice, see her smile, and feel her hugs. The only thing that I would say is getting "easier" is my daily routine without her in it. I am learning and adapting and getting use to that. But that doesn't mean she still isn't on my mind and that I don't wish I could have her back. What I really would love, is to have my Mom back to be able to talk to about my day and get her motherly advice and words of wisdom. I would love to have my Mom to help de-stress me when I am overwhelmed by things going on in life. I really think the fact I don't have my Mom for those typical "Mom things", will never make things get "better" or "easier".
In these last 3 months, I have experienced several "firsts" without my Mom as well. First Easter, first Mother's Day, first Tulip Time, first Memorial Day, first Tre-J Ministries Fund Raiser. Not to mention having to experience things without my Mom, like my younger brother's Graduation and Open House. And going through the process of moving and getting rid of things, it is so tough and it makes reality sink in more and more.
There has been so much pain and hurt and suffering in these last 3 months. So many emotions and feelings have come forward. I have cried so many times, I have lost count, and even amazed I still have tears left. I definitely would not wish this kind of pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy. This is a kind of pain that no one deserves.
But, to get past the negative, I have learned things in these last 3 months. I have grown in these last 3 months and have become closer to God, and am continuing to work on being closer with God. In the middle of the initial shock and overflow of emotions when my Mom first died, there were moments where it did not seem like God was always there. But, God was always there. He has been there for me and my family through every step of this process. Just even thinking back on that awful day in the hospital room, watching my Mom breathe her last breaths. There was Christian music playing in the background. And when "I Can Only Imagine" and "In Christ Alone" seemed to be the only 2 songs ever playing that whole time we were in there, it was a sure sign God was with us all in that moment; telling us that she was okay. Telling us she was no longer hurting or suffering, and that we could only imagine the pure joy and happiness she was feeling as she was welcomed into God's kingdom. God was reminding us to not only be sad, but to be joyful that she was with Him. God filled that room with peace on that day, he gave us all peace in the middle of our deep sadness.
And somehow, I have survived these last 3 months. I feel I only have God to thank for that. God gives me the strength to get through life, one day at a time, and one step at a time. Every single day I say this to Him in prayer, "God, I don't understand why it is my Mom had to die and why she had to go be with you, but I know you do know the reasoning. I trust that you have plans for my future and my family's future. I have faith that you will continue to guide us down the right path and that you will give us strength and peace to get us through each day. Help me and my family to keep our faith and trust in you. Help us to continue to trust you to provide for us and get us through this." By saying that prayer, I have learned that I am telling God, yes I am upset my Mom is gone and I don't understand it, but yet I know you do understand it and I trust you to continue to help me through it.
God also grants peace. A peace that is like no other. When ever I am having a really bad day, opening my Bible and praying, always helps me to feel at peace and to wind down. Meditating on God, and going to Him, always helps me. Before my Mom helped me to de-stress all the time, now I turn to God. When ever those bad days happen and I turn to God, I feel as though he wraps his arms around me and just reminds me that he has everything under control, even though I can't always see it. I keep working on my trust and faith in him, so I keep trusting he has it all under control.
One thing is for sure, I have not gotten through these last 3 months on my own. God has been the one who has guided me through every step of the way. Because there is no way I could ever get through this on my own. My favorite Bible verse is Luke 18:27 "No chance at all, Jesus said, if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it." Because there is no way anyone can get through this kind of thing on their own, it is when they trust God to get them through it, that they get through it. Does that mean its easy to get through? HECK NO! I wish it made it easy. It just makes what seems impossible, possible. In God, all things are possible.
To end, life is still super hard without my Mom. Every day, I miss her. Every day, I want her back. These last 3 months have been hell. I am going to be completely blunt and honest. It still is hell. But, I am getting through it, with God's help. I look for all the blessings in each day and rejoice in the things that go good and make the day good. I strive to succeed and make my Mom proud. It is not easy, it is really difficult. But holds my hand and guides me through and gets me through it. I may look battered and beaten by time I get through the day, but as long as I made it, that is all that matters. And each day, I feel God making me a stronger and better person. I feel God molding me into the woman he wants me to be. Though I wish my Mom could be here to see it all in person and see me continue to grow and change and become the woman God is calling me to be. I am just happy to make her proud, since I know she is watching me from heaven. I know she is proud of me, because I am proud of myself.
3 months. 3 months of roller coasters. 3 months of crazy emotions and lots of tears. 3 months of growing and learning. 3 months of God shaping me into the woman he wants me to be. All I can say to anyone going through a hard time like I am going through, don't ever give up, keep pushing through, and keep trusting God and leaning on Him and going to Him in prayer. You will get through it. And soon you will have 3 months behind you, too!
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