Christmas Grief...
Before I begin this blog post officially, let me just say that I did, overall, have a nice Christmas this year. So don't thinking that I just had an awful Christmas just because of what I titled this blog post. I had fun with my family and we were able to enjoy time with each other and catch up and have fun and they made me feel loved, even though I was struggling. Ok, so now that I have that disclaimer out of the way, lets officially begin this post.
My Mom loved Christmas time. It was her absolute favorite time of year. She loved decorating, baking goodies, cooking delicious foods, and most of all doing fun things together as a family. And this year, without my Mom around, my Christmas spirit and cheer just was not there. In fact, it made this Christmas season a really tough one, emotionally.
First off, there was no one I knew that could decorate a house as beautifully as my Mom did for Christmas. It was our joke that she was never truly done decorating because she was always rearranging things and fixing things with her decorations throughout the whole season. And our whole house was always so beautifully decorated and our tree was always just glowing and sparkling with pretty decorations. And this year, we had nothing. Not a single decoration. Mostly because we are moving soon and we didn't want to put up our decorations just to take them down so we could move. So we literally had absolutely no decorations up at all, anywhere, neither inside, nor outside our house. Which really didn't make it feel like Christmas at all.
Second, my Mom loved to cook and bake for the holidays. I have so many wonderful memories of baking treats, and decorating cookies, and covering pretzels in chocolate, and building gingerbread houses with my Mom. We would spend so much wonderful time together getting all of our goodies ready for our parties. We always had so much fun with it. We also always made pig-in-the-blankets for one of our parties together as well. And this year, again, there was none of that. They still made the pigs, but I was not able to be there because I had to work. And my aunt made all the goodies, which again. I had to work, so I really was not able to help out with much. We did have one night of making rice krispy treats, and that was fun. But that was it, and it was tough not having my Mom around to do more with.
Third, every single night, me and my Mom would sit and watch a Christmas movie together. This year, it was just me, by myself, every night, putting in a Christmas movie, wishing my Mom was there to watch it with. Especially some of the ones that I know were my Mom's favorites were really tough to watch without her.
And last, I just in general miss having her around for Christmas. She always got us the best gifts, not just because they were something we wanted or anything like that, but because she made each gift special. She loved making us happy and having us come run to her to give her a big hug and say thank-you. She still did "Santa bags" with us kids and those were the best because it was always things we needed or things that were just special. And I really missed that this year, I really missed waking up in the morning to find our bags out by our stockings. That was hard when I woke up and there was nothing.
Overall, I missed my Mom a lot this year. It made Christmas really hard not having her around and having to do things so differently. We even went and visited my Mom's grave and watching my little brother break down and cry and having me cry right along with him, was so hard. We all miss her so much and there is not a second that goes by that we don't wish we could have her back. They keep telling me it will get easier, but I still don't believe people when they say that. Because, so far, it hasn't gotten easier. I just feel like the hole in my heart continues to grow and I just keep missing her more and more as each second passes. I keep just wanting to see her glowing smile, hear her joyful laugh, and feel the love and warmth of her hugs. I want to hear the soothing sounds of her voice and be able to talk to her about everything going in my life. I want her to be able to hold me when I cry and help comfort me. I want her to be able to experience all these new and exciting things with me. But I just feel like I have been reminded today, that she is gone, and that I don't have her and I can't hear her voice, see her smile, or feel her hugs. This Christmas grief just made the pain of missing her even greater and made me want her back even more. Made me hate cancer more and wish it never existed so it would have never taken her away from me. I miss my Mommy so much, I know I am an adult, but I still need my Mommy! And it just is not fair that she got taken from me so soon! The one wish I had for Christmas was to be able to get my Mom back, and that is just one wish that no one could grant, no matter how much I wanted it. The pain of losing someone close to you that you love is a pain I would never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Because it is an awful pain.
But, to end, I am very thankful for the love and support of my friends and family who have come around me and comforted me. I have needed the all the love, support, and prayers, and I appreciate so much that people care enough to come around me and be there for me. Without the wonderful people in my life that I have, I would not be able to make it through! So, thank-you, to all my friends and family out there, I love you all! And I hope you had a Merry Christmas!
My Mom loved Christmas time. It was her absolute favorite time of year. She loved decorating, baking goodies, cooking delicious foods, and most of all doing fun things together as a family. And this year, without my Mom around, my Christmas spirit and cheer just was not there. In fact, it made this Christmas season a really tough one, emotionally.
First off, there was no one I knew that could decorate a house as beautifully as my Mom did for Christmas. It was our joke that she was never truly done decorating because she was always rearranging things and fixing things with her decorations throughout the whole season. And our whole house was always so beautifully decorated and our tree was always just glowing and sparkling with pretty decorations. And this year, we had nothing. Not a single decoration. Mostly because we are moving soon and we didn't want to put up our decorations just to take them down so we could move. So we literally had absolutely no decorations up at all, anywhere, neither inside, nor outside our house. Which really didn't make it feel like Christmas at all.
Second, my Mom loved to cook and bake for the holidays. I have so many wonderful memories of baking treats, and decorating cookies, and covering pretzels in chocolate, and building gingerbread houses with my Mom. We would spend so much wonderful time together getting all of our goodies ready for our parties. We always had so much fun with it. We also always made pig-in-the-blankets for one of our parties together as well. And this year, again, there was none of that. They still made the pigs, but I was not able to be there because I had to work. And my aunt made all the goodies, which again. I had to work, so I really was not able to help out with much. We did have one night of making rice krispy treats, and that was fun. But that was it, and it was tough not having my Mom around to do more with.
Third, every single night, me and my Mom would sit and watch a Christmas movie together. This year, it was just me, by myself, every night, putting in a Christmas movie, wishing my Mom was there to watch it with. Especially some of the ones that I know were my Mom's favorites were really tough to watch without her.
And last, I just in general miss having her around for Christmas. She always got us the best gifts, not just because they were something we wanted or anything like that, but because she made each gift special. She loved making us happy and having us come run to her to give her a big hug and say thank-you. She still did "Santa bags" with us kids and those were the best because it was always things we needed or things that were just special. And I really missed that this year, I really missed waking up in the morning to find our bags out by our stockings. That was hard when I woke up and there was nothing.
Overall, I missed my Mom a lot this year. It made Christmas really hard not having her around and having to do things so differently. We even went and visited my Mom's grave and watching my little brother break down and cry and having me cry right along with him, was so hard. We all miss her so much and there is not a second that goes by that we don't wish we could have her back. They keep telling me it will get easier, but I still don't believe people when they say that. Because, so far, it hasn't gotten easier. I just feel like the hole in my heart continues to grow and I just keep missing her more and more as each second passes. I keep just wanting to see her glowing smile, hear her joyful laugh, and feel the love and warmth of her hugs. I want to hear the soothing sounds of her voice and be able to talk to her about everything going in my life. I want her to be able to hold me when I cry and help comfort me. I want her to be able to experience all these new and exciting things with me. But I just feel like I have been reminded today, that she is gone, and that I don't have her and I can't hear her voice, see her smile, or feel her hugs. This Christmas grief just made the pain of missing her even greater and made me want her back even more. Made me hate cancer more and wish it never existed so it would have never taken her away from me. I miss my Mommy so much, I know I am an adult, but I still need my Mommy! And it just is not fair that she got taken from me so soon! The one wish I had for Christmas was to be able to get my Mom back, and that is just one wish that no one could grant, no matter how much I wanted it. The pain of losing someone close to you that you love is a pain I would never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Because it is an awful pain.
But, to end, I am very thankful for the love and support of my friends and family who have come around me and comforted me. I have needed the all the love, support, and prayers, and I appreciate so much that people care enough to come around me and be there for me. Without the wonderful people in my life that I have, I would not be able to make it through! So, thank-you, to all my friends and family out there, I love you all! And I hope you had a Merry Christmas!
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