If I Were to Be a Chapel Speaker...

Thinking back to being a student sitting in the seats of Holland Christian's auditorium during chapel, I remember hearing a lot of great speakers. Some were just funny, others had amazing stories that you could just never forget, and some just really hit home with the lessons they were teaching. I always really liked when past students of HC would come back to do a chapel and share things they have learned, it was always interesting to hear how far they had come in their lives. And I remember thinking to myself on occasion, "if I were to be asked to speak in chapel, what would I talk about?" At that time, I really never could think of anything that would really make people listen to me, and also I was too afraid of panicking and having a nervous breakdown. But lately, now that I am older, a little wiser, more mature, and have gone through a lot more of life, I feel have more to say. And, for some reason, lately, God has been putting a lot of things on my heart and giving me thoughts about what I would say to a bunch of HC Students during a chapel. So, to get my thoughts out of my head and in a document, I am going to share with you, a rough draft, of what I would say if I were to be a chapel speaker.

It is so great to be back here at Holland Christian. I always loved being a part of this community and really enjoyed my experience attending Holland Christian. I am going to start by just introducing myself a little bit. My name is Tori Zoerman and I graduated in 2012 and am currently 22 years old. I grew up with my Mom, Dad, older sister and younger brother, and grew up in a very Christian environment.

What I am going to share with you all today, is my weight loss journey and my journey after High School, and some major lessons I have learned a long the way.

When I was really little, I was you average, happy go-lucky little girl living in a Christian home and believed in God. Life was pretty good for me, until I got to be school aged, and something got brought forward at a doctors appointment I had when I was in the 2nd grade. My doctor was very concerned with my weight. I was quite overweight for a child that age and it had my doctor very worried. So, thus began a very huge, lifelong battle. I got poked and scanned more times than I can even count. I saw all kinds of doctors: dietitians, endocrinologists, nutritionists, psychologists, therapists, and the list goes on. I was diagnosed with Insulin Resistance, meaning my body produces way more insulin than what it can take in, making me feel hungry all the time. I got started on several medications to try and regulate it, but none really worked. I hated myself for being overweight and I tried diet after diet, I did weight watchers, I tried exercising. Every time I would do really well for a little while, and then I would gain it all back. I struggled with making friends, because I was very self conscious about what people thought of me. And also dealt with the occasional bully. I always had my few good friends, and that was it. I never was "popular" and most days I felt invisible. Everyone always told me I always seemed so happy, but in reality, I was always struggling.

Now, lets fast forward. I graduated from High School. I had always loved writing and thought I was going to go to be a writer one day, and I was going to attend GVSU for creative writing. Well, that all fell apart. I ran into some financial aid issues, along with some other things and ended up dropping my classes. I began to feel really lost, not sure what it was I was supposed to do. I started getting depressed again, which, in my case, led to more weight gain. And then, my whole world came crashing down when on October 23, 2014, my Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. I became even more depressed. I was scared, hurt, and lost, not sure what it was I was supposed to do with my life. I had picked up some nannying and babysitting jobs to make a little money here and there. I loved it and loved working with kids all day. But it became hard when my Mom began chemo, because I felt I had to do a lot to help her out. I continued to put on more weight, because I was continually depressed. And I was struggling, too, because a lot of my family members were putting pressure on me to find a job and were telling me that all I was doing was being a freeloader. I felt worthless, stupid, and like I was a waste of oxygen. I felt like a failure. I constantly found myself going to God and asking him what it is he wanted for me and where it is I should turn. I kept asking him what path to go down and to show me the way. I broke down and confessed to him that I was weak, and I was trying to be strong for my Mom and my family, but I couldn't do it. I told God I needed his strength and guidance. I felt awful for being so weak, but God placed his hand on me and told me it was ok and that I did not have to be strong all the time. Then, one day, my Mom and my Aunt approached me and talked to me. My Mom told me that if she were to die, she would want to know that I would be ok in life and that she wouldn't want to worry about me. She told me she wanted to see me get healthy and find a job and be more independent. At that time I felt the two went hand-in-hand because I felt that no one wanted to hire a fat person that looked like they could barely walk from their car to the door, let alone work all day long. So my Mom asked me if I had considered weight loss surgery at all. And I actually confessed to her that I had wanted to do it, but after she had been diagnosed, I didn't think it was an option because there is no way we could afford it. And all my Mom said to me is that we would figure it out and if it was something I wanted to do, then to do it. So, I began my Gastric Sleeve Surgery journey.

Let me explain what Gastric Sleeve Surgery is. What the surgeon does, is he laparoscopically goes in and removes 3/4 the stomach, leaving just a very thin sleeve-like tube for a stomach. Making it so a person can only take in about 1/2 cup of food at a time. This surgery is not an end-all fix-all. It gives you a tool. And if you use the tool properly, it works. Think of it like a shovel. I was given the shovel as a tool to help me dig better, but, if I try to dig with the wrong end of the shovel, it won't work and I won't succeed. I started my journey weighing 401 pounds, wearing 4X shirts, and 30-32 pants. I had little energy, could barely do anything without getting short of breath or worn out, and had no self-worth. The whole process began with lots of doctor appointments, and waiting on the insurance companies approval. In the mean time, after a lot of chemo and a major surgery, my mom went into remission for her cancer in August of 2015. And I got a job. I started working at Zeeland Public Schools in the Z-Kids Program. I primarily worked at Quincy Elementary School. And I absolutely LOVED that job. I felt right where I belonged and was so happy. I worked there for about a week, and then had my Gastric Sleeve Surgery on September 14, 2015.

It was very painful and difficult in the beginning. It was a struggle just getting liquids down and I ended up staying in the hospital an extra night because I had gotten really sick and couldn't keep anything down. I started off on a liquid diet. Only being able to drink protein shakes, water, and have sugar free popsicle's and sugar free jello. I had to get in 60 grams of protein a day, and it was a struggle at first. Once I started to heal more, it got a little bit easier. And eventually I was able to move on to having pureed food, Which, basically, I put everything in a blended and at everything as a mush. Again, still needing to focus on protein. I worked hard, and weight just kept coming off. I went back to work and eventually was able to start eating soft foods. Basically any food that was easily chewable and I could break down easily in my mouth, nothing hard or crunchy. So, if I wanted veggies, they had to be super cooked so they were really soft and easy to chew. But again, I mostly focused on my protein. Once I got to be about 8 weeks post op, I was finally able to start eating normally again. I was given free rain to eat what I wanted, but I still had to keep my main focus on getting in 60 grams of protein a day. And with only being able to eat just a tiny amount at a time it was a learning curve and I had to learn a good routine and had a lot of trial and error of learning what I could handle eating and what I couldn't handle eating. It took a lot of hard work, and the weight kept falling off. Life had really turned around for me. I was beginning to get more independent, I was so happy and loving my job, my Mom was doing good again, and I was losing weight so fast.

Then, my life got turned upside down all over again. In January of 2016, my Mom got horribly sick. She first got blood clots in her lungs and had one big clot in her leg. She was in the hospital for a week. Then came home. Then she got horribly sick, again, and was throwing up constantly, and ended up back in the hospital with a bowel obstruction. They initially tried to fix it by just completely emptying her system and clearing her system. It worked for awhile and she began to get better. But then she started to get sick all over again and ended up being moved over from Zeeland Hospital to Butterworth Hospital where her cancer doctor got involved, because he suspected her cancer might be back. My Mom went in for another major surgery, that lasted 4 hours. During that surgery she ended being put on a ventilator because her lungs were still damaged from the blood clots and they were not tolerating the surgery. And it was in that surgery that it was found her cancer was back and it was everywhere. It had spread all over her abdomen and was on her liver and intestines. At that time, we were told that we probably were not going to have more than a year or so left with her. But, we didn't even get that. My mom initially showed some small improvements after surgery, she even woke up and was able to hold my hand and give me a hug. But after a couple of days, she took a turn for the worst. The ventilator was doing all the work and was 100% breathing for her and was the only thing keeping her alive. The cancer was causing her abdomen to fill with fluid and was putting pressure on her diaphragm and lungs and the doctors even suspected that the cancer had already spread to her lungs and that is why her lungs were shutting down, as well. On March 10, 2016 we were called in to the hospital to say our final good byes, and we "pulled the plug" and watched as my Mom breathed her last breaths. And at 1:22pm, she was pronounced dead and in heaven with God.

I felt like I had lost my whole world. My mom was my biggest support person, she was the rock of our family and kept us all going. She did so much for us. I had no idea how I was supposed to live life without her. My Mom was not only my mom, but my best friend. I felt lost and confused all over again. I heart hurt so much, the pain felt overwhelming, I felt like I couldn't take it. I found myself asking God "why" a lot. I just didn't understand it. I still don't understand it. It was a slow and painful process trying to find a "new normal" and constantly having to deal with "firsts" made it even harder. Everyone around me expected me to fail when my Mom died, they expected me to put my weight back on, they expected me to go into a deep depression. But, I knew my Mom wouldn't want that from me. I prayed to God every single day asking him to guide me and my family and help us find our new normal and to learn to do life without my Mom. And I continued to succeed with my weight loss. I even started to go for my CDA or Child Development Associates. And on July 29, 2016, I said goodbye to Z-Kids and hello to Lakeshore Little People's Place Daycare, where I currently work as a teacher's assistant in the Preschool room. And I am continuing to work on my CDA. And also, it has been over a year since I have had my surgery. And I have lost 187 pounds!! I now weigh 214 and can wear size Large shirts and 18 pants! I have so much more energy, can run and play with kids at work, can climb stairs and not get winded, can cross my legs, sit criss-cross-applesauce, and so much more! I feel great and am so happy and proud of myself, which I have never been able to say that about myself. And I am still losing and am still working hard to make my Mom proud of me! And every day, I pray to God to give me the strength to get through another day and to guide me and let His will be done.

What have I learned in all this? 1- you do not have to be strong all the time. It is ok to be weak. Because when you are weak, that is when God steps in and is your strength for you. 2- take life one day, and one moment at a time with God guiding you. That is the motto my Mom lived by and it is how I try to live. 3- Trust God at all times, he knows what he is doing. It is way easier said than done, I know, I have found myself doubting God on occasion. But he always knows what he is doing, so you just have to trust him and that he has a plan for you even when you cannot see it. When you trust God, the impossible becomes possible. My favorite Bible verse is Luke 18:27 "No chance at all, Jesus said, if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world, if you trust God to do it." You can't do it alone, but with God, you can do anything. 4- It is ok to hurt and be angry with God, go to God and cry out to him when you are hurt and angry, he understands it, because he is hurting right along with you when you are hurting. And he wants you to come to Him so he can comfort you and give you love and peace. 5- Keep following your dreams and working hard and never let anyone bring you down. Even when you don't know what it is you are to do in life, God does know, he has a perfect plan for you. Just keep working hard and never give up and rely on God to get you through it and let him guide you. 6- Sometimes you just have to say to God, "All right, let your will be done" and let him take full control over all your circumstances. Repeat these four words a lot, "Thy Will Be Done!" He has nothing but goodness in store for you even when it seems like you have nothing good going for you.

Do you see a reoccurring theme? TRUST!! Trusting in God and just giving it all to him is a reoccurring theme and something I am still learning to do every day. It always so much easier said than done. But, when you have that solid faith and trust in God, he will guide you through. It doesn't mean it will be easy, it just means it will be doable. And when you need to, just turn to God and cry out to him. But also don't forget to thank him for all the good he has already done for you. Because there is always something to be thankful for, even it feels like there isn't. Trust in God. That is my big lesson to you all, is trust in God. I still am working on it, I am by know means perfect, and I still have my daily struggles still learning to do life without my Mom, but I know that I am able to get through each day because is always holding me and guiding me through each day, even if they are hard painful days, he is still there guiding. I have total belief in that. And I hope you all can learn that and believe in that too. Especially, since I know you all are going through struggles with having to say goodbye to a beloved teacher. God loves you all and is there for you each and every day. Just trust him and keep pushing through and keep going!

WELP! That is the gist of what I would say if I were a chapel speaker. Hope you all enjoy it!