COVID19- How Am I Really Doing?
As you all know, right now is a crazy and scary and stressful time for pretty much everyone in the world. Everything going on with Coronavirus-COVID19 is nothing like any of us have ever had to see or deal with in our lifetimes. We are all having to take things just one day, one moment at time and learn as we go. We are having to adjust into "new normal's" and new schedules and routines. Most of us are living under "Stay At Home Orders" meaning we can only leave the house for essential needs(groceries/medical needs) or if you are an essential worker. And aside from maybe going outside to do things in the yard or take a walk around your neighborhood, you are in your house all day. We are dealing with being out of work, laid off, under financial strain, or maybe even having to deal with home schooling your kids. And on top of that, you can't be with anyone other than the people in your own home.
I will say, technology is a pretty big blessing. Because of technology we not only have the ability to talk on the phone with the ones we love, but we can also do video chats and have meetings with lots of people at one time on "Zoom". Which does help when you can at least see people's faces while you are chatting with them.
But, how many of you keep getting asked by people around you, "how are you doing? are you hanging in there?" How many of you actually answer those questions honestly? My guess if you are like me, you don't fully answer it with total honesty. You just tell people things like "I am doing alright", "I'm hanging in there", or "We are surviving". You don't really answer telling people the exact thoughts going through your head and spilling out your actual feelings. Probably because you don't want people to worry about you, when there is already enough to be worried about. Or maybe you don't want to be burden and put your problems on anyone else. Or maybe it is just as simple as you don't want to get into it and discuss it that long and just depress yourself, or maybe even admit to yourself just how you are truly feeling.
Well, personally, I am beginning to find that I am truly needing to admit exactly how I am feeling with all of this going on. Especially, with being someone who has always struggled with her weight and being a food addict. Because this means I am prone to doing things like stress eating, eating out of boredom, or stress baking or baking out of boredom, so then there is more temptation and junk around. And I am going to be 100% honest, and admit that the number on the scale has been beginning to creep up and I have put on a few pounds. Now, I am sure part of it is the fact that I am nowhere near as busy and active in a day as I normally am when life is normal and I go to work and have other things going on in a day and go to the gym to get a workout. But, the other part is, food is just around me a lot more and I don't have much going in a day so I am constantly having to avoid it. And it means my normal eating routine is completely out of whack as well.
So, how is it I am truly feeling right now with all of this going on. I am feeling like I am back where I was in my first couple of years out of High School, so like 2013 through about mid/late 2015. Because I am not working, I feel trapped, I feel useless and worthless, and I feel like I am fat all over again and not able to do anything. It is bringing those dark feelings from that time in my life all back to me. It is making me emotional and scared. And I feel like I am falling right back into old habits and I feel like the old Tori is coming back to haunt to me. I am constantly just wanting this to be over, I am stressed and anxious. I have days where my mood is definitely down and just all around poor. And this is all so scary to me. Because I have worked so hard to become the woman I have become and to get where I am today, and I definitely do NOT want to go backwards. I want to keep the person I am now and keep being who I am. But I feel it is so hard when I can't go out and do as much as I normally do and I can't see the people I love. In some ways I feel like I am battling myself, and battling that old me to keep her from coming back.
But, that isn't to say I still don't have things to be grateful for. Matt is still working and getting paid his usual paycheck. Even though I am not working right now, I am still getting paid 60% of my paycheck. So at least we are still ok, financially and that is not too big of a burden. And Matt and I have all we need and we have each other. And I am definitely very thankful to have Matt, as he definitely shows me so much love and has been great to have during this time. Even though there are moments when I get sick of him, I am always so thankful to have him at the end of the day to be able snuggle with and reassure me and help me to feel better. And also, we have our health, and we are safe and staying healthy. So there are many blessings to count, and I do try hard to count them every day.
Other things I try to do every day is I try to get in some activity. Lately I have been doing a little workout inside the house, and I have been trying to get outside every day to get a walk in. A longer one if the weather is nice, and a shorter one if it happens to be really cold and nasty out. The weather has finally been starting to get a little nicer, and I am hoping for it to remain that way. I have also been trying to just find other things to keep me busy. I have been doing puzzles, reading, emailing my kiddos parents, and been making some phone calls to members of my church. I have also been trying hard to still eat good, but I know for a fact that I need to really kick my butt back into gear and be way better and get myself back on track. No snacking, and definitely no eating junk or super high carb food. That I feel has been the worst thing is the junk and high carb food has been more tempting and has been harder for me to avoid.
So from here, what is it that I want to do and how do I truly want to be doing? Well, for life in general, I have been living by my montra of "Be your best self" and that is what I am wanting to do, be my best self in the midst of this crazy pandemic and crazy time we are dealing with. So, that means, when people ask me how I'm doing, I need to be fully honest and tell people I am struggling and need prayer and support from even a far and in any way they can. I need to be honest with myself about my feelings and be honest with others. I want to keep a positive mindset. I need to be reminded, I am not the "Old Tori", I am this new me and that is who I always will be. I need remind myself I have worked hard and that I am strong, and I know what it is I need to do to keep my health journey on the right path. I need to just refocus my mind and remember that just because I am home, does not mean I need to eat something every time I walk past the fridge or cupboard. And I don't have to bake and I don't need any junk in the house. Also, I know I am a routine person, and I just need to keep a solid and healthy routine going even in this time, so I can continue to succeed and continue to be my best self. The last thing I feel I need to remember, is grace. I need to remember to give myself grace during this time. Because this is a weird time and is EXTREMELY far from normal, and that it is ok for me to feel not quite right and it is ok for me to have slip-ups. I just need to remember to tell myself, "It will be ok, and its alright, lets just refocus and get back on track, I can do this". It is a lot easier said than done, but I know I just need to always do my best. And I need to remember to just pray and lean on God a little extra during this time and let Him be my strength an wisdom and guidance. For He is good and He will bring us all out of this!
So, how are you all really doing? Try being honest with yourself, and reach out for support if you need it. Just remember to do it in a social distanced way! Love and prayers to you all!
I will say, technology is a pretty big blessing. Because of technology we not only have the ability to talk on the phone with the ones we love, but we can also do video chats and have meetings with lots of people at one time on "Zoom". Which does help when you can at least see people's faces while you are chatting with them.
But, how many of you keep getting asked by people around you, "how are you doing? are you hanging in there?" How many of you actually answer those questions honestly? My guess if you are like me, you don't fully answer it with total honesty. You just tell people things like "I am doing alright", "I'm hanging in there", or "We are surviving". You don't really answer telling people the exact thoughts going through your head and spilling out your actual feelings. Probably because you don't want people to worry about you, when there is already enough to be worried about. Or maybe you don't want to be burden and put your problems on anyone else. Or maybe it is just as simple as you don't want to get into it and discuss it that long and just depress yourself, or maybe even admit to yourself just how you are truly feeling.
Well, personally, I am beginning to find that I am truly needing to admit exactly how I am feeling with all of this going on. Especially, with being someone who has always struggled with her weight and being a food addict. Because this means I am prone to doing things like stress eating, eating out of boredom, or stress baking or baking out of boredom, so then there is more temptation and junk around. And I am going to be 100% honest, and admit that the number on the scale has been beginning to creep up and I have put on a few pounds. Now, I am sure part of it is the fact that I am nowhere near as busy and active in a day as I normally am when life is normal and I go to work and have other things going on in a day and go to the gym to get a workout. But, the other part is, food is just around me a lot more and I don't have much going in a day so I am constantly having to avoid it. And it means my normal eating routine is completely out of whack as well.
So, how is it I am truly feeling right now with all of this going on. I am feeling like I am back where I was in my first couple of years out of High School, so like 2013 through about mid/late 2015. Because I am not working, I feel trapped, I feel useless and worthless, and I feel like I am fat all over again and not able to do anything. It is bringing those dark feelings from that time in my life all back to me. It is making me emotional and scared. And I feel like I am falling right back into old habits and I feel like the old Tori is coming back to haunt to me. I am constantly just wanting this to be over, I am stressed and anxious. I have days where my mood is definitely down and just all around poor. And this is all so scary to me. Because I have worked so hard to become the woman I have become and to get where I am today, and I definitely do NOT want to go backwards. I want to keep the person I am now and keep being who I am. But I feel it is so hard when I can't go out and do as much as I normally do and I can't see the people I love. In some ways I feel like I am battling myself, and battling that old me to keep her from coming back.
But, that isn't to say I still don't have things to be grateful for. Matt is still working and getting paid his usual paycheck. Even though I am not working right now, I am still getting paid 60% of my paycheck. So at least we are still ok, financially and that is not too big of a burden. And Matt and I have all we need and we have each other. And I am definitely very thankful to have Matt, as he definitely shows me so much love and has been great to have during this time. Even though there are moments when I get sick of him, I am always so thankful to have him at the end of the day to be able snuggle with and reassure me and help me to feel better. And also, we have our health, and we are safe and staying healthy. So there are many blessings to count, and I do try hard to count them every day.
Other things I try to do every day is I try to get in some activity. Lately I have been doing a little workout inside the house, and I have been trying to get outside every day to get a walk in. A longer one if the weather is nice, and a shorter one if it happens to be really cold and nasty out. The weather has finally been starting to get a little nicer, and I am hoping for it to remain that way. I have also been trying to just find other things to keep me busy. I have been doing puzzles, reading, emailing my kiddos parents, and been making some phone calls to members of my church. I have also been trying hard to still eat good, but I know for a fact that I need to really kick my butt back into gear and be way better and get myself back on track. No snacking, and definitely no eating junk or super high carb food. That I feel has been the worst thing is the junk and high carb food has been more tempting and has been harder for me to avoid.
So from here, what is it that I want to do and how do I truly want to be doing? Well, for life in general, I have been living by my montra of "Be your best self" and that is what I am wanting to do, be my best self in the midst of this crazy pandemic and crazy time we are dealing with. So, that means, when people ask me how I'm doing, I need to be fully honest and tell people I am struggling and need prayer and support from even a far and in any way they can. I need to be honest with myself about my feelings and be honest with others. I want to keep a positive mindset. I need to be reminded, I am not the "Old Tori", I am this new me and that is who I always will be. I need remind myself I have worked hard and that I am strong, and I know what it is I need to do to keep my health journey on the right path. I need to just refocus my mind and remember that just because I am home, does not mean I need to eat something every time I walk past the fridge or cupboard. And I don't have to bake and I don't need any junk in the house. Also, I know I am a routine person, and I just need to keep a solid and healthy routine going even in this time, so I can continue to succeed and continue to be my best self. The last thing I feel I need to remember, is grace. I need to remember to give myself grace during this time. Because this is a weird time and is EXTREMELY far from normal, and that it is ok for me to feel not quite right and it is ok for me to have slip-ups. I just need to remember to tell myself, "It will be ok, and its alright, lets just refocus and get back on track, I can do this". It is a lot easier said than done, but I know I just need to always do my best. And I need to remember to just pray and lean on God a little extra during this time and let Him be my strength an wisdom and guidance. For He is good and He will bring us all out of this!
So, how are you all really doing? Try being honest with yourself, and reach out for support if you need it. Just remember to do it in a social distanced way! Love and prayers to you all!
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