Gastric Sleeve: 3 Years Post Op!
I seriously cannot believe that it has been 3 years since I had my Gastric Sleeve Weight Loss Surgery. On September 14, 2015 I made the single most greatest decision of my entire life to better my health by going in for my surgery. And at that time, I had no idea just how far I would come in this crazy journey and just how insane and wild this journey was going to be. Because, it has been difficult and wild and insane, but also wonderful and empowering and filled with lots of learning and growing moments. And I feel I have definitely come the furthest in this last year alone.
In just this last year, I have lost an addition 20 pounds to the already crazy amount of weight loss I had. I feel like it has been because I have been working on myself A LOT mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. At this time last year, I was very happy and proud of the progress I had made and of how far I had come. But, on the inside, I was hurting. I was still hurting a lot over the loss of my Mom and it hurt not having her around to be with me on this weight loss journey and see where I was at. And I was hurting over not having her to talk to about things going on with work and just life in general. On top of that, I was learning how to handle life in a body I had never had before and having new adventures kind of being tossed through my mind. I was overwhelmed and not sure what to do with it. Overall, I was feeling a lot of pain and confusion. And I remember sometimes mentioning to people around me some feelings I had, but just got a lot of "quick fix" type responses, I guess is the best way to put it. And they just weren't the answers I was looking for, and I felt like I wasn't being fully heard and being fully seen. Now, I admit, part of it was me maybe not expressing my full feelings, but I think I was even having a hard time just finding the words for what I was really feeling and wasn't sure how to express myself and my hurt and pain. And eventually, all that hurt and pain, just let me down a horrible and dark path of lies that hurt so many of the people I love and care about. And I remember in the moment, being so mad at myself for saying the things I said, but I felt so out of control and I literally remember crying at night and asking "why can't I stop?" and "what is wrong with me?" Because I literally felt like I had no control and crap just spilled out of me. And it is kind of because I think I was getting people to actually listen and hear me, even though it was all in the wrong ways. And by no means does this justify anything I did, because it doesn't, the things are I did I no were wrong and not okay. But, at least, now, I have an understanding as to kind of why I did it. Because at the time I couldn't understand why I was doing it and I was so mad because it just wasn't like me and it wasn't who I was. I was this totally crazy and different person. Essentially, I had a mental breakdown. And after it occurred and my family finally was able to see through me, which let me be honest, and I am glad they finally did, because, boy, I needed to be stopped and I am glad I finally was. And that is when I started to go to counseling. And through counseling, I have been able to tackle all my issues and discuss with my counselor my hurt and grief over losing my Mom and also talk a little bit about being in this new body and new life I have. And it was my counselor that helped me get to the root of why the awful events occurred last year and helped me to be able to get to an understanding. Again, in no way am I justifying it, because I fully know it was wrong and terrible, just simply understanding it. And essentially, I am now working through all my issues and struggles and learning to forgive myself, so that way I am able to go to those I love and be able to fully apologize and fully get out exactly what was going on within me and what I was struggling with and begin to heal in lots of ways. And not only that, I am diving deeper into figuring out just who I am in this new body, new life, and as a woman of God. I go to a Christian counselor, so she also is able to help me work on myself on a spiritual level as well as an emotional and mental level. And let me tell you, since beginning to fix what is going on within my head, it has helped be able to better fix my self on physical level as well and be even healthier than I was before.
But before I continue on to discuss more of the "stats" and physical part of this journey. I need to say this. To all of my family and friends who I may have hurt when I had my "mental breakdown", I am so deeply, deeply sorry. I know this is maybe not the best way to try and apologize, but it is the best way I know, that I can just write out and get out everything I want to say and be fully real and honest without forgetting and leaving anything out. I am deeply sorry, and if I could turn back the clock, and make it so I never said or did any of the things I said and did, I would. I would absolutely take it all back. Because I hate what I did with every fiber that is in me. And the main thing I hate is the hurt I caused. It hurts me every single day, it never doesn't hurt. And I just want you to know, that I am always honest, now. Yes, at that time, clearly, I wasn't. But I am now. I don't justify anything I said or did. As I said, I know it was wrong, at the time I knew I was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself, I was out of control. I kept wanting to, but just couldn't. I want you to know that I really love you all and appreciate you all, from the bottom of my heart, because it was you guys who finally were just able to grab hold of me and "shake me out of it" in a way, and get me focused and back on the right path. And I understand if you never do forgive me, because I probably don't really deserve it. But just know, that I really am truly and deeply sorry, and I am sorry every day of my life.
And now to continue on. Like I said, because I am finally feeling so much better from a mental stand point, it has helped me get even better on the physical standpoint as well. I was so stuck in this "up an down" kind of stand still pattern with my weight for a long time. And after I began counseling and started to battle my "inner demons", I started to feel happier, and was able to really buckle down more on my health. My eating has gotten even healthier, way less carbs, even more protein and fruits and veggies. And I also have exercising and being ten times more active than I was before. Also, I had the extra skin on my stomach removed, which made the getting more active thing even easier, too. Also, my job I have now, has made a difference, too. I am so much less stressed at my current job than I was my old job and I love it even more where I am now than where I was before. I feel happier here. Though there are still stressful days and moments, there would be with any job, it is way far less than it was at my previous job. And because of all these things starting to happen for the better, I am finally getting truly happier and truly healthier, all the way around. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
And here are the official stats. Before I weighed 401 pounds, wore size 4x shirts and 30-32 pants. I now weigh 161 pounds, can wear size small shirts, and size 6 pants. I have lost a total of 240 pounds and feel AMAZING! I can do what ever it is I set my mind to and the world is just an open door to me. Which has been an overwhelming feeling, and again, is something I am learning to handle with counseling. I feel so much stronger now than ever! And I am about to do my first ever 5K!! EEEP! how crazy is that?!!
To end this, God has really shown me a lot and brought me through a lot. He is continuing to teach me lots of lessons and mold me and shape me. He is helping to grow into the woman of God He intends for me to be. I finally see myself as someone who is beautiful and worth while and is deserving of the things life as to offer. And I will forever be journeying and learning and continuing to work hard. This will never stop. But I plan to continue to work to lean on and trust the Lord as I go through this journey of life. I plan on continuing to let Him mold me and shape me and guide me. I am always reminding myself to say "God, let your will be done for me" and I always am praying, "God if this is your will let it be so, and show that to me, and if it it is not your will, let it be so and show that to me." Like I said, I am still working on it, still growing, still learning, and always will be. But that is just part of the journey. And I encourage everyone to always work hard on their own journey's in every aspect and get yourself right not just physically, but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Because the greatest success comes when everything is working well together!
In just this last year, I have lost an addition 20 pounds to the already crazy amount of weight loss I had. I feel like it has been because I have been working on myself A LOT mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. At this time last year, I was very happy and proud of the progress I had made and of how far I had come. But, on the inside, I was hurting. I was still hurting a lot over the loss of my Mom and it hurt not having her around to be with me on this weight loss journey and see where I was at. And I was hurting over not having her to talk to about things going on with work and just life in general. On top of that, I was learning how to handle life in a body I had never had before and having new adventures kind of being tossed through my mind. I was overwhelmed and not sure what to do with it. Overall, I was feeling a lot of pain and confusion. And I remember sometimes mentioning to people around me some feelings I had, but just got a lot of "quick fix" type responses, I guess is the best way to put it. And they just weren't the answers I was looking for, and I felt like I wasn't being fully heard and being fully seen. Now, I admit, part of it was me maybe not expressing my full feelings, but I think I was even having a hard time just finding the words for what I was really feeling and wasn't sure how to express myself and my hurt and pain. And eventually, all that hurt and pain, just let me down a horrible and dark path of lies that hurt so many of the people I love and care about. And I remember in the moment, being so mad at myself for saying the things I said, but I felt so out of control and I literally remember crying at night and asking "why can't I stop?" and "what is wrong with me?" Because I literally felt like I had no control and crap just spilled out of me. And it is kind of because I think I was getting people to actually listen and hear me, even though it was all in the wrong ways. And by no means does this justify anything I did, because it doesn't, the things are I did I no were wrong and not okay. But, at least, now, I have an understanding as to kind of why I did it. Because at the time I couldn't understand why I was doing it and I was so mad because it just wasn't like me and it wasn't who I was. I was this totally crazy and different person. Essentially, I had a mental breakdown. And after it occurred and my family finally was able to see through me, which let me be honest, and I am glad they finally did, because, boy, I needed to be stopped and I am glad I finally was. And that is when I started to go to counseling. And through counseling, I have been able to tackle all my issues and discuss with my counselor my hurt and grief over losing my Mom and also talk a little bit about being in this new body and new life I have. And it was my counselor that helped me get to the root of why the awful events occurred last year and helped me to be able to get to an understanding. Again, in no way am I justifying it, because I fully know it was wrong and terrible, just simply understanding it. And essentially, I am now working through all my issues and struggles and learning to forgive myself, so that way I am able to go to those I love and be able to fully apologize and fully get out exactly what was going on within me and what I was struggling with and begin to heal in lots of ways. And not only that, I am diving deeper into figuring out just who I am in this new body, new life, and as a woman of God. I go to a Christian counselor, so she also is able to help me work on myself on a spiritual level as well as an emotional and mental level. And let me tell you, since beginning to fix what is going on within my head, it has helped be able to better fix my self on physical level as well and be even healthier than I was before.
But before I continue on to discuss more of the "stats" and physical part of this journey. I need to say this. To all of my family and friends who I may have hurt when I had my "mental breakdown", I am so deeply, deeply sorry. I know this is maybe not the best way to try and apologize, but it is the best way I know, that I can just write out and get out everything I want to say and be fully real and honest without forgetting and leaving anything out. I am deeply sorry, and if I could turn back the clock, and make it so I never said or did any of the things I said and did, I would. I would absolutely take it all back. Because I hate what I did with every fiber that is in me. And the main thing I hate is the hurt I caused. It hurts me every single day, it never doesn't hurt. And I just want you to know, that I am always honest, now. Yes, at that time, clearly, I wasn't. But I am now. I don't justify anything I said or did. As I said, I know it was wrong, at the time I knew I was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself, I was out of control. I kept wanting to, but just couldn't. I want you to know that I really love you all and appreciate you all, from the bottom of my heart, because it was you guys who finally were just able to grab hold of me and "shake me out of it" in a way, and get me focused and back on the right path. And I understand if you never do forgive me, because I probably don't really deserve it. But just know, that I really am truly and deeply sorry, and I am sorry every day of my life.
And now to continue on. Like I said, because I am finally feeling so much better from a mental stand point, it has helped me get even better on the physical standpoint as well. I was so stuck in this "up an down" kind of stand still pattern with my weight for a long time. And after I began counseling and started to battle my "inner demons", I started to feel happier, and was able to really buckle down more on my health. My eating has gotten even healthier, way less carbs, even more protein and fruits and veggies. And I also have exercising and being ten times more active than I was before. Also, I had the extra skin on my stomach removed, which made the getting more active thing even easier, too. Also, my job I have now, has made a difference, too. I am so much less stressed at my current job than I was my old job and I love it even more where I am now than where I was before. I feel happier here. Though there are still stressful days and moments, there would be with any job, it is way far less than it was at my previous job. And because of all these things starting to happen for the better, I am finally getting truly happier and truly healthier, all the way around. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
And here are the official stats. Before I weighed 401 pounds, wore size 4x shirts and 30-32 pants. I now weigh 161 pounds, can wear size small shirts, and size 6 pants. I have lost a total of 240 pounds and feel AMAZING! I can do what ever it is I set my mind to and the world is just an open door to me. Which has been an overwhelming feeling, and again, is something I am learning to handle with counseling. I feel so much stronger now than ever! And I am about to do my first ever 5K!! EEEP! how crazy is that?!!
To end this, God has really shown me a lot and brought me through a lot. He is continuing to teach me lots of lessons and mold me and shape me. He is helping to grow into the woman of God He intends for me to be. I finally see myself as someone who is beautiful and worth while and is deserving of the things life as to offer. And I will forever be journeying and learning and continuing to work hard. This will never stop. But I plan to continue to work to lean on and trust the Lord as I go through this journey of life. I plan on continuing to let Him mold me and shape me and guide me. I am always reminding myself to say "God, let your will be done for me" and I always am praying, "God if this is your will let it be so, and show that to me, and if it it is not your will, let it be so and show that to me." Like I said, I am still working on it, still growing, still learning, and always will be. But that is just part of the journey. And I encourage everyone to always work hard on their own journey's in every aspect and get yourself right not just physically, but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Because the greatest success comes when everything is working well together!
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