2 Years, The Pain is Still Very Real!
On this very day of March 10th, 2 years ago, was the worst day of my entire life. The day when my whole world got completely turned upside down. The day that I felt such an unbelievably strong pain, a pain so great, that I would never wish it even on my worst enemy. It was the day that my Mom passed away and went to be with God in Heaven.
I still remember every moment so vividly and clearly. The images can never be erased from my mind. The sounds of crying and the sounds of my Mom taking her final breaths, still echo in my ears. I hear them in my nightmares. It all still feels so real and so present. Going through that kind of loss and pain, is just something that sticks with you forever.
I will never forget, walking into my Mom's hospital room with my family and sitting beside her. Everyone but me and my younger brother left to talk with the doctors. I remember grabbing my Mom's hand an sitting beside her, desperately wanting her to squeeze my hand and wake up, but knowing it wasn't going to happen. The only thing keeping her alive was the ventilator. My brother sat on the other side of her. And watching him burst into tears and tell our Mom how much he loved her, seeing him in so much pain and being able to nothing about it, because I was in just as much pain as he was. I laid my head down on my Mom and I cried to her. Telling her I loved her, and that it was okay for her to go, and that we would be okay. Even though, I really was not okay with her leaving, I wanted her to wake up, to get better, and to stay with me. I didn't want to lose her. I didn't want to say good-bye. I then remember some social worker lady coming into the room and asking me and my brother what was wrong. I wanted to snap at her and just scream, "Our Mom is dying, what do you think the problem is?!!" But I didn't, I couldn't speak. I was too busy crying to speak. I just remember my brother sobbing the words, "I'm losing my Mommy!" to her, and every one of those words broke me apart and made me crumble. The reality of knowing my Mom was dying, and the reality of the pain we were feeling was hitting so hard and so strong in that moment. I just cried and held my Mom, not wanting to leave her or let her go. My Aunt Sallie returned into the room and asked us to leave, as all of our family members were going to take turns saying good-bye before they pulled the breathing tube. Me and my siblings left and joined my other family members that were waiting out in the waiting room. I sat down and waited, feeling numb and in a complete fog. I waited until we were told we could go back in an say our final good-byes. I went in and sat beside my Mom and laid my hands on her. Her breathing tube was pulled just before we came in the room. And I sat with my family, watching as the life left my Mom's body. Watching as all the color drained from lips and face. And hearing the sounds of my Mom taking her final breaths. Each gasp pierced right through me and stabbed me like a knife to the heart. Hearing the sounds of everyone crying in the room. Those sounds echo in my mind.
And then came another sound. The sound of some music playing in the background. The song "I Can Only Imagine" played more than once, along with "In Christ Alone". Those songs brought a peace into the room. A peace fell over us all, knowing my Mom was being welcome into Heaven and into God's arms right at that moment. We, truly, could only imagine what my Mom was experiencing in that moment. And at 1:22pm on March 10, 2016 was when it was officially declared that my Mom was gone, and, officially, in heaven with God.
Though I was and still am glad that my Mom is no longer sick, hurting, and suffering from her cancer. It doesn't mean I don't still hurt and feel immense pain over her being gone. Because when you lose a parent, you feel like you crumble into a million pieces and when you try to put them back together, you just can't put them back into the place they were before. Your life is forever changed and forever different. Especially when you are as young as I am, and was when my Mom died. I was only 22 when my Mom died and am 24 now. I was just starting to enter "adulthood" and learning how to be an "adult". And now I was going to have to figure it all out without my Mom there to help me an guide me. Because, here is the thing, my Mom was everything to me. Her and I were super close and had a very close relationship. We did so much together. We went on walks together, we cooked and baked together, we watched our favorite shows together while discussing them, we talked about everything and anything, and so much more. My Mom was my rock, my strength, my support, my security, and my best friend. She was always there for me and helped with what ever I needed. I could always trust her, count on her, and go to her with whatever I needed. And if I needed help with anything, she was always there to help me. She comforted me when I was hurting and somehow would just make everything better. She was also a nurse, so her kind, gentle, caring, and selfless love, was just part of her. She always put others first. And when I lost my Mom, I felt like I lost part of me. I lost the one person I had that was always there and that I could always turn to. I felt so lost without her.
And not too long after she passed away, I jumped right into having to figure out how to do life without her. I jumped into making sure my brother finished off his senior year of High School strong and taking care of him. I took care of my Dad, who just completely fell apart when my Mom died. I made sure both of them were doing okay and were taken care of. In the meanwhile, I jumped into going back to work, and continuing to work hard on my weight loss. I then jumped into a new job and getting my CDA(Child Development Associates). I kept going full force throughout life, pushing myself and pushing myself. Continuing to make sure my Dad and brother were taken care of, while I kept working and continuing on my weight loss journey. I never really took the time to just really focus on myself emotionally and mentally. I never took the time to fully and completely grieve. And when life started to actually get into control, I lost control of myself. The pain of my Mom being gone came back all over again, and the weight of the pain crushed me and took hold of everything I worked so hard to get.
And right now, at this very moment in time, where am I at? The pain of losing my Mom is with me every day. I think about her and miss her, every moment, of every day. I am hurting every single day. I just keep it hidden and never bring it up. I still have nights where I cry myself to sleep. I still sometimes have nightmares that wake me up. The sounds of my Mom taking her last breaths still haunt me. The sight of her lifeless body is still engraved in my mind. The pain is still very real and is still there. When they tell you "it will get better" that is a lie. It doesn't ever get any better. The pain is still there, it still hurts. Because life is not the same. It is so different, and I struggle, daily. I often feel so alone and feel like I have no where to turn. And when I try to turn to others around me, it feels like it helps in the moment, but in reality it doesn't help much at all. Because while my other family members are great and I know they love me and are there for me, it is just not the same as my Mom. While I know they always mean well and want to help me, it just is not the same and I find myself struggling to accept their help. And I still find myself wanting to take care of my Dad and brother before I take care of myself. Probably because I feel like I kind of lost my Dad when I lost my Mom and I try hard to do what I can for him to get him to see me and be my Dad, because I still need him. And I try to get him to take care of himself, because I need him, and don't want to lose him completely. And my brother, I just feel responsible for him, since my Mom always helped him and took care of him, and I just feel I have to step in and do the same for him, since Mom isn't here to do it. In all honesty, I am a mess, I am all over the place. I try to be strong, but in reality, I am so weak. I try hard to be even just half the woman my Mom was, but I am not even close. I struggle, a lot.
The only thing that keeps me going is God. I try hard to just lean on God and find peace and comfort in Him. When I am hurting or weary, I just pray and cry out. I try to trust that God has a plan for me and knows what He is doing. But is is so much easier said than done. And I feel like I fail more than I succeed. Because that was the other thing about my Mom, her faith and trust in God, was one like no one else I know! And, again, I aspire to be like her and have a faith and trust in God like she did. But again, easier said than done, and I am still working on it and working through a lot.
However, in the middle of all the hurt pain, I am grateful for the time I had my Mom in my life and for all the beautiful memories I made with her. Memories of going for walks, having deep and powerful conversations, baking all kinds treats and desserts. Cooking all kinds of meals and learning from her. Dutch Dancing during Tulip Time and walking through the Tulips with her. Decorating the house for every season, and spending the entirety of every season getting the house decorated, just right. Spending hours putting together flower arrangements for weddings with her and watching her be totally in her creative element. Going on vacations and enjoying every little adventure alongside her. Watching her Mama Bear come out in times of need, but also seeing her nursing skills jump into action in an instant when ever she was needed. The warmth of her hugs, the brightness of her smile, and joyfulness of her laugh. Her kind, gentle, loving, selfless spirit. All great things I hold dear and remember every day, as well as miss every day. I try hard not to dwell on the sadness, but instead take joy in the memories. Though, again, it is easier said than done. I thank God for the time I had her in my life, and look forward to the day when I will see her again in heaven.
2 years, 2 long and painful years since I said good-bye to my Mom. I miss her every moment of every day, and can only hope that I am making her proud of me. Mommy, the pain is still real, and I miss you and love you so much. Rest in Peace my sweet angel, I can't wait until I can see you and hug you again someday!
I still remember every moment so vividly and clearly. The images can never be erased from my mind. The sounds of crying and the sounds of my Mom taking her final breaths, still echo in my ears. I hear them in my nightmares. It all still feels so real and so present. Going through that kind of loss and pain, is just something that sticks with you forever.
I will never forget, walking into my Mom's hospital room with my family and sitting beside her. Everyone but me and my younger brother left to talk with the doctors. I remember grabbing my Mom's hand an sitting beside her, desperately wanting her to squeeze my hand and wake up, but knowing it wasn't going to happen. The only thing keeping her alive was the ventilator. My brother sat on the other side of her. And watching him burst into tears and tell our Mom how much he loved her, seeing him in so much pain and being able to nothing about it, because I was in just as much pain as he was. I laid my head down on my Mom and I cried to her. Telling her I loved her, and that it was okay for her to go, and that we would be okay. Even though, I really was not okay with her leaving, I wanted her to wake up, to get better, and to stay with me. I didn't want to lose her. I didn't want to say good-bye. I then remember some social worker lady coming into the room and asking me and my brother what was wrong. I wanted to snap at her and just scream, "Our Mom is dying, what do you think the problem is?!!" But I didn't, I couldn't speak. I was too busy crying to speak. I just remember my brother sobbing the words, "I'm losing my Mommy!" to her, and every one of those words broke me apart and made me crumble. The reality of knowing my Mom was dying, and the reality of the pain we were feeling was hitting so hard and so strong in that moment. I just cried and held my Mom, not wanting to leave her or let her go. My Aunt Sallie returned into the room and asked us to leave, as all of our family members were going to take turns saying good-bye before they pulled the breathing tube. Me and my siblings left and joined my other family members that were waiting out in the waiting room. I sat down and waited, feeling numb and in a complete fog. I waited until we were told we could go back in an say our final good-byes. I went in and sat beside my Mom and laid my hands on her. Her breathing tube was pulled just before we came in the room. And I sat with my family, watching as the life left my Mom's body. Watching as all the color drained from lips and face. And hearing the sounds of my Mom taking her final breaths. Each gasp pierced right through me and stabbed me like a knife to the heart. Hearing the sounds of everyone crying in the room. Those sounds echo in my mind.
And then came another sound. The sound of some music playing in the background. The song "I Can Only Imagine" played more than once, along with "In Christ Alone". Those songs brought a peace into the room. A peace fell over us all, knowing my Mom was being welcome into Heaven and into God's arms right at that moment. We, truly, could only imagine what my Mom was experiencing in that moment. And at 1:22pm on March 10, 2016 was when it was officially declared that my Mom was gone, and, officially, in heaven with God.
Though I was and still am glad that my Mom is no longer sick, hurting, and suffering from her cancer. It doesn't mean I don't still hurt and feel immense pain over her being gone. Because when you lose a parent, you feel like you crumble into a million pieces and when you try to put them back together, you just can't put them back into the place they were before. Your life is forever changed and forever different. Especially when you are as young as I am, and was when my Mom died. I was only 22 when my Mom died and am 24 now. I was just starting to enter "adulthood" and learning how to be an "adult". And now I was going to have to figure it all out without my Mom there to help me an guide me. Because, here is the thing, my Mom was everything to me. Her and I were super close and had a very close relationship. We did so much together. We went on walks together, we cooked and baked together, we watched our favorite shows together while discussing them, we talked about everything and anything, and so much more. My Mom was my rock, my strength, my support, my security, and my best friend. She was always there for me and helped with what ever I needed. I could always trust her, count on her, and go to her with whatever I needed. And if I needed help with anything, she was always there to help me. She comforted me when I was hurting and somehow would just make everything better. She was also a nurse, so her kind, gentle, caring, and selfless love, was just part of her. She always put others first. And when I lost my Mom, I felt like I lost part of me. I lost the one person I had that was always there and that I could always turn to. I felt so lost without her.
And not too long after she passed away, I jumped right into having to figure out how to do life without her. I jumped into making sure my brother finished off his senior year of High School strong and taking care of him. I took care of my Dad, who just completely fell apart when my Mom died. I made sure both of them were doing okay and were taken care of. In the meanwhile, I jumped into going back to work, and continuing to work hard on my weight loss. I then jumped into a new job and getting my CDA(Child Development Associates). I kept going full force throughout life, pushing myself and pushing myself. Continuing to make sure my Dad and brother were taken care of, while I kept working and continuing on my weight loss journey. I never really took the time to just really focus on myself emotionally and mentally. I never took the time to fully and completely grieve. And when life started to actually get into control, I lost control of myself. The pain of my Mom being gone came back all over again, and the weight of the pain crushed me and took hold of everything I worked so hard to get.
And right now, at this very moment in time, where am I at? The pain of losing my Mom is with me every day. I think about her and miss her, every moment, of every day. I am hurting every single day. I just keep it hidden and never bring it up. I still have nights where I cry myself to sleep. I still sometimes have nightmares that wake me up. The sounds of my Mom taking her last breaths still haunt me. The sight of her lifeless body is still engraved in my mind. The pain is still very real and is still there. When they tell you "it will get better" that is a lie. It doesn't ever get any better. The pain is still there, it still hurts. Because life is not the same. It is so different, and I struggle, daily. I often feel so alone and feel like I have no where to turn. And when I try to turn to others around me, it feels like it helps in the moment, but in reality it doesn't help much at all. Because while my other family members are great and I know they love me and are there for me, it is just not the same as my Mom. While I know they always mean well and want to help me, it just is not the same and I find myself struggling to accept their help. And I still find myself wanting to take care of my Dad and brother before I take care of myself. Probably because I feel like I kind of lost my Dad when I lost my Mom and I try hard to do what I can for him to get him to see me and be my Dad, because I still need him. And I try to get him to take care of himself, because I need him, and don't want to lose him completely. And my brother, I just feel responsible for him, since my Mom always helped him and took care of him, and I just feel I have to step in and do the same for him, since Mom isn't here to do it. In all honesty, I am a mess, I am all over the place. I try to be strong, but in reality, I am so weak. I try hard to be even just half the woman my Mom was, but I am not even close. I struggle, a lot.
The only thing that keeps me going is God. I try hard to just lean on God and find peace and comfort in Him. When I am hurting or weary, I just pray and cry out. I try to trust that God has a plan for me and knows what He is doing. But is is so much easier said than done. And I feel like I fail more than I succeed. Because that was the other thing about my Mom, her faith and trust in God, was one like no one else I know! And, again, I aspire to be like her and have a faith and trust in God like she did. But again, easier said than done, and I am still working on it and working through a lot.
However, in the middle of all the hurt pain, I am grateful for the time I had my Mom in my life and for all the beautiful memories I made with her. Memories of going for walks, having deep and powerful conversations, baking all kinds treats and desserts. Cooking all kinds of meals and learning from her. Dutch Dancing during Tulip Time and walking through the Tulips with her. Decorating the house for every season, and spending the entirety of every season getting the house decorated, just right. Spending hours putting together flower arrangements for weddings with her and watching her be totally in her creative element. Going on vacations and enjoying every little adventure alongside her. Watching her Mama Bear come out in times of need, but also seeing her nursing skills jump into action in an instant when ever she was needed. The warmth of her hugs, the brightness of her smile, and joyfulness of her laugh. Her kind, gentle, loving, selfless spirit. All great things I hold dear and remember every day, as well as miss every day. I try hard not to dwell on the sadness, but instead take joy in the memories. Though, again, it is easier said than done. I thank God for the time I had her in my life, and look forward to the day when I will see her again in heaven.
2 years, 2 long and painful years since I said good-bye to my Mom. I miss her every moment of every day, and can only hope that I am making her proud of me. Mommy, the pain is still real, and I miss you and love you so much. Rest in Peace my sweet angel, I can't wait until I can see you and hug you again someday!
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