God Looks At The Heart!
Today was one of those days that just got me doing a lot of thinking. And really made me realize a lot about myself and about my journey.
I had a make over and photo shoot done yesterday just to really show off how far I have come in my weight loss journey and do something really nice for myself, to allow myself to feel good and proud and accomplished. And I had so much fun with the whole day and felt so pretty and happy!
Today, I decided to go to Church still kind of using my look from the photo shoot, just to a slightly more casual degree. I wanted to look nice since I was being ordained as a deacon and also because I wanted to use my look one more time. And, the number one comment that I heard from nearly everyone today was, "Wow, you're really pretty!". I know that each person meant well and did not mean for it to come out the way they said it, but it still would kind of make me pause for a second and think, "did they honestly not think I was pretty before?". Of course some of them would quickly correct themselves and say, "not that you weren't pretty before!" I am sure that was just out of embarrassment over realizing what they had just said to me. But, it really fit with the sermon my pastor preached today.
My pastor preached on how people look at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. And she also asked us if we could think of anyone in our lives that at some point saw something in us that we didn't even see in ourselves. And the first person that came to my mind was Mom. My Mom always saw more in me than I could see in myself. She always encouraged me to try new things and, thinking back on it, would often point me in the direction she knew I should go even when I didn't think it was something that I would be good at or enjoy. And she would often tell me times where she really saw me thrive and happy and would encourage me down paths so I would thrive. Just, in that moment, I didn't really see what she was doing. Also, someone clearly saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself by nominating me as a deacon at Church and enough people agreed with them that I got ordained and installed today! And as my pastor continued to preach, her words just really stuck with me.
I never saw much of anything in myself. I only saw what I looked like on the outside and I hated myself because of it. And I hated that my appearance, also affected my physical ability to do things. I never saw myself as being worthy or capable of doing anything. And I always felt most people would look at me the same way. They would see this ugly fat person and make assumptions. But I know God always saw the true me, the person I was on the inside and that I always was, fat or no fat. But now that I have lost the weight, I can look in the mirror and see that person that God always saw in me. I see a happy, healthy, beautiful person full of joy. I see someone who is strong and is a fighter. I see the person that can go for a nearly 3 mile run. I see the person that can do anything she sets her mind to. I see the preschool teacher with a big heart for children and can run and keep up with them, no matter how much energy they have. I see the person who has confidence and can sing on praise team and be a leader in her Church. I see the person can do anything she sets her mind to. The person I always was, but failed to see. I am a beautiful Child of God, inside and out. I am not perfect, far from it. But I know God loves me regardless of the imperfections and always will see me as beautiful inside and out.
So, yes my outward appearance may indeed be much more pretty than it was before, that does not mean I was not always beautiful. Because I was. God made me just the way he wanted me to be and has grand plans for me that I don't even know about yet. Heck, he already has brought me to a place where I never thought I would be, and he just keeps carrying me through. I am discovering more and more about myself every day and learning how to function in my new body. But I am so proud of how far I have come and of how much I have accomplished.
I had a make over and photo shoot done yesterday just to really show off how far I have come in my weight loss journey and do something really nice for myself, to allow myself to feel good and proud and accomplished. And I had so much fun with the whole day and felt so pretty and happy!
Today, I decided to go to Church still kind of using my look from the photo shoot, just to a slightly more casual degree. I wanted to look nice since I was being ordained as a deacon and also because I wanted to use my look one more time. And, the number one comment that I heard from nearly everyone today was, "Wow, you're really pretty!". I know that each person meant well and did not mean for it to come out the way they said it, but it still would kind of make me pause for a second and think, "did they honestly not think I was pretty before?". Of course some of them would quickly correct themselves and say, "not that you weren't pretty before!" I am sure that was just out of embarrassment over realizing what they had just said to me. But, it really fit with the sermon my pastor preached today.
My pastor preached on how people look at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. And she also asked us if we could think of anyone in our lives that at some point saw something in us that we didn't even see in ourselves. And the first person that came to my mind was Mom. My Mom always saw more in me than I could see in myself. She always encouraged me to try new things and, thinking back on it, would often point me in the direction she knew I should go even when I didn't think it was something that I would be good at or enjoy. And she would often tell me times where she really saw me thrive and happy and would encourage me down paths so I would thrive. Just, in that moment, I didn't really see what she was doing. Also, someone clearly saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself by nominating me as a deacon at Church and enough people agreed with them that I got ordained and installed today! And as my pastor continued to preach, her words just really stuck with me.
I never saw much of anything in myself. I only saw what I looked like on the outside and I hated myself because of it. And I hated that my appearance, also affected my physical ability to do things. I never saw myself as being worthy or capable of doing anything. And I always felt most people would look at me the same way. They would see this ugly fat person and make assumptions. But I know God always saw the true me, the person I was on the inside and that I always was, fat or no fat. But now that I have lost the weight, I can look in the mirror and see that person that God always saw in me. I see a happy, healthy, beautiful person full of joy. I see someone who is strong and is a fighter. I see the person that can go for a nearly 3 mile run. I see the person that can do anything she sets her mind to. I see the preschool teacher with a big heart for children and can run and keep up with them, no matter how much energy they have. I see the person who has confidence and can sing on praise team and be a leader in her Church. I see the person can do anything she sets her mind to. The person I always was, but failed to see. I am a beautiful Child of God, inside and out. I am not perfect, far from it. But I know God loves me regardless of the imperfections and always will see me as beautiful inside and out.
So, yes my outward appearance may indeed be much more pretty than it was before, that does not mean I was not always beautiful. Because I was. God made me just the way he wanted me to be and has grand plans for me that I don't even know about yet. Heck, he already has brought me to a place where I never thought I would be, and he just keeps carrying me through. I am discovering more and more about myself every day and learning how to function in my new body. But I am so proud of how far I have come and of how much I have accomplished.
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