Needing a Refresh

I am feeling a need to hit a refresh button on my life. Wipe my slate clean and begin anew. Why? Well, some details I won't go into on the internet. But mostly because of the way things have been for me the last couple of months.

Let me start with I feel things were going just so good for me, that I feel like I was almost getting caught up in it. I was getting lost in just how good things were that I think I was letting some underlining insecurities pop up and take control. And then when I started dealing with something unbelievably difficult, my insecurities really came forward and things completely crumbled around me. And where do I feel I was the most lost in all of it? My faith.

Since losing my Mom, I always seem to have a hard time of where do I turn when I need someone to talk to and help me through things. Because my Mom was always my go-to person for everything in my life and she helped me through everything. She was my rock and strength and she kept me sane. And since losing her, I quite often feel lost and unsure of where to turn. I love my Dad and Brother dearly, but they are just not the same as my Mom, and also, they are men, there are some things, that they just don't understand. And I am blessed with a lot of other amazing family to turn to, but they still are just not the same as my Mom. I know they try hard, but they just are not the same. And I have realized, who I really need to be turning to, is God.

I feel, lately, I have let my faith slip. I have not been turning to God like I should have been. I feel I need a major refresh in my faith. I need to almost rededicate myself so to speak and really dive into God and His word more. Which, I have been trying to do. I am trying to dive into the Bible more, pray more, and just really work harder at "letting go and letting God". That is what I keep telling myself I need to do, let go and let God! I feel in some of my recent experiences God has been kind of kicking me in rear and trying to get my attention and almost be like, "Hey, Tori, you need Me more, and you need to change some things in your life." I feel God has been trying to teach me some major lessons and has been trying to help me come to some realizations. Though I may not like the way He is doing so, I know He knows what He is doing and He, ultimately, has a much bigger plan for me in all of this. Also, I don't necessarily understand everything God is doing, but again, I know He knows and does have a plan for me.

So, currently, what am I doing? Well, I need a new job. Not going into details about it all on the internet, as that is not the place for it, and also, I am just trying to let go and move forward. Though, it is easier said than done. I have been doing a little searching, but have not been super actively applying just yet, as I am giving myself some time to process and work through things, as well. But during this time, I am working on my faith. Trying to really dive deeper with God and reconnect with Him. As, like I said, I feel I have let that part of me slip, and that part of me is the most important thing to me, so I don't like that I have let that slip. So I am trying to get back on track and really refocus my mind, body, an soul. Especially, since, I feel, God is the only one who can really help through this time in my life. And once I do find a new job, I am going to take it as my restart and really make it my new start and not let anything take control of me and ruin it.

All I can say is I am going to turn my life around in a positive way. I am going to really dive deeper into my faith and gain my faith back. And I am going to try harder and be better at just letting God be in full control of my life. I am going to get back on track, stay positive, and be back to that happy place where I was. And not let anything ruin any of the hard work I have accomplished in my life. Though I feel so weak and lost, I know God is my strength and I am found by Him and He will help me through!

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